


Mary Sue Destroys Another House: The Rampage Continues

by YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO



Series: Chronicles of Suetown (Main Series) [2]
Category: None - Fandom
Genre: Arson, Love, Murder, Romance, Violence, political correctness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-04-07
Packaged: 2019-04-19 17:49:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14242587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO/pseuds/YODALEEEIHEEHOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Summary: The pyromanic princess Mary Sue destroys another house- but for what purpose?





	Mary Sue Destroys Another House: The Rampage Continues

**Author's Note:**

> Welp, nobody asked for it and nobody wanted it- but here's your sequel.

Chap 1: Crawling

WhOA! Mary Sue woke up at 2:30pm and fell out of bed like a spider falling off the ceiling when you throw a shoe at it, but not like the really small ones because why would you even try to hit those? They will always dodge. Mary then stood up and put on a black edgy tutu and gothic boots. Today was Edgy day and Mary was feeling festive so she brought out a sword and stabbed her manservant, Sebastian. Mary's sword was so edgy that when she stabbed him Sebastian said “ouch” and fell over like a turtle that has fallen over. It was ok though because he would respawn in Mary's attic after 20 minutes in geological time. His weak stupid immortal body required more time to recharge than the shittiest iPhones out there. 

Mary hated her manservant for his respawn ability because it was too OP and ruined the metagame. Mary Sue liked to be in control of who was dead and who was alive but unfortunately today was Edgy day, so she was only allowed to kill people if they weren't being Edgy enough or if they were commiting high treason. Otherwise she would be slaughtered by the Gods.

Mary stepped outside into the sunshine, which was burning and oppressive like hellfire. Birds sang in the trees, circling each other in preparation for sacrificial rituals. Mary hummed the tune of Bring Me to Life by Evanescence like a disney princess who is having a bad day. Some of her subjects were milling about on the streets bumping into each other. One of them suddenly bumped into Mary. It was a boy wearing two eyepatches, one on each eye, so he couldn't see anything.  
“Sorry” he mumbled before turning around and walking into a tree (a dead one). Another citizen who witnessed the affair rubbed his hands together evilly, like flies do when they are cleaning themselves. “I hope she makes him pay for that in fire and blood” he whispered to a nearby dowager who was choking on a bourbon biscuit. Mary heard his words and normally would have delighted in skewering an annoying child, but something about the way he said it made her stomach tie in knots and do the loop de loop like a bomber aeroplane doing tricks in the war. It was at this moment Mary rounded a corner in a dark and scary alleyway, and there she saw a familiar face. It was a face she had hoped to never see again.

Chapter 2: The Enemy Returns

Yes, her nemesis had returned and was now standing in front of her so she was all alone in this dark, isolated alleyway- with no one to save her.  
“Oh no! It's the tax man!” said Mary in horror. The tax man grinned.  
“Yes, it is I. The evil Tax-Man!” he said, menacingly. Mary knew the tax man, but from whence she did not know. She brought out her sword and immediately stabbed the fiend. The tax man then died, and an evil looking spirit began to rise from his still corpse.  
“Oh no! It's the tax man's ghost!” Mary screamed, now even more horrified. She stabbed the ghost with her sword and it dissippated into wisps of smoke that vanished into the atmostphere. A figure stepped out from behind the corner.

“Are you okey?” asked the figure. It was a woman with a cardboard box over her head so Mary could not see her face. Good, thought Mary. She's probably ugly anyway.  
“Are you okey?” the woman repeated.  
Not really thought Mary because she had just battled the Tax-Man. The woman looked concerned. Her face was still covered with the box but she had taken out a sharpie pen and drawn a concerned- looking face on the cardboard box that was covering her head, so now she looked really worried and concerned.

Shit, thought Mary. I think I left the oven on. Mary frowned, trying to remember. I really need to be more careful. My house could be burning right down and there's no one even in it except for Sebastian, and he'll just keep respawning over and over until the fire is put out. Then again, the thought of him spending hours enduring terrible seething pain does bring me some comfort. Oh well! Now that we're on the subject of disgusting, smelly, worthless trash, I really need to buy some new bread. I think the old stuff has gone mouldy. And not the kind of mouldy where it's a bit hard and smells bad, I mean REALLY mouldy. Like, there's probably maggots crawling around in that thing. Just like the time I left that oatmeal in my pocket for nine hours and was woken up by the smell of death at two o'clock in the morning. Oh Mary, you're so silly! Wait, who said that? I DID, Mary! You're so beautiful and smart and talented, I wish I was as awesome as you! Oh wait- I am you! Oh my gosh, I love myself sooooo much! But not as much as I love YOU, Mary! Oh, thank you Mary, you're too kind. Say, wanna go burn down an orphanage later? Why yes, I'd love to! Or maybe fight the Tax-Man again? Shit, who said that? IT WAS ME! THE EVIL TAX-MAN! Wait... what? Why are you here? I'M BACK TOO, MARY, AND I STILL HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ABOUT THAT CHESS GAME. No, I don't know what you're talking about! Yes you do! I was there, I remember! Oh my God, the voices are coming back! THAT'S RIGHT! No! Yes! WATCH YOURSELF, I CAN END YOU WITH A THOUGHT! You'll never get rid of me! Fuck! FUUUUUUCK!  
Mary snapped back into reality and saw that the woman in front of her had unequipped her box so her face was exposed. However, Mary still couldnt recognise her because it was so dark in the alleyway and she was stood at least ninety centimetres away.  
“Come into the light so I can see you” ordered Mary. The woman did not move. Instead, she began to breakdance, spinning and beeboying all over the alleyway. Mary gasped. That rebellious spirit! she thought. No one would refuse a direct command from their queen. No one except...  
Suddenly, a raving lunatic threw a pile of glowsticks over the woman, and the light of the glowsticks illuminated the alleyway, exposing her face.  
“Susan!” screamed Mary in horror.  
“Hi!” screamed Susan because she was happy to see an old friend.

Chapter 3: 

"Susan Mare! My arch nemesis! I thought I had killed you! You broke the law by building a house and I clogged your toilet!" Mary screamed pleasantly. Susan's brow furrowed.

"Mary! It is so nice to see you again" said Susan most terribly. She was wearing a flowery dress and a round cardboard bracelet. It was round like a round thing. The exact opposite of an edge! Mary ran over to a nearby tree and uprooted it, and then used it to batter Susan with the fury of a million angry birds. Susan said "Ouch! Please stop at once." It was like being hit with a banana made of pine cones. I found a pine cone in the supermarket once.

“No one tells me what to do!” shouted Mary. “Now be a good citizen and let me crush you!”. But Susan was not a good citizen. She lived by her own rules, and snapped the tree in half with her bare hands.  
“Why are you trying to kill me you asshat” said Susan with much dryness and sass. Mary grinned. “It's Edgy day, and you aren't being...” she paused “EDGY!” she yelled ecstatically, and ran over to another tree to uproot it. The birds that previously circled overhead were now beginning to cluster together on a fire hydrant, abandoning their religious activities in favour of finding a new home now that their environment was being destroyed.  
“By 6:00am the festivities will be over!” said Susan. She looked at her watch and saw it was 3:00pm. If she could survive till then, Mary's accusation would become null and void. Realizing this, Mary slowly put down the tree she was holding and paused to catch her breath. She turned to face Susan.  
“Ok” she said. “You can run, but you won't escape the Queen's justice. I'll count to ten and give you a head start.”

Susan ran away and climbed into a hole. The hole was full of water and painted red. There were other people in the hole who were swimming around in black satanic swimming costumes.  
"Hey! You found the swimming pool!" said Mary. Susan's cardboard watch became waterlogged and fell off her wrist to the bottom of the pool before folding in half, electrocuting everyone. It started to rain. Even the weather was being dark and edgy for edgy day.  
"I'm cold." said Susan sadly.

"Don't worry." said Mary. "Some exercise will warm us up!" she laughed, swimming towards Susan like a crocodile chasing an aquatic pop tart. Susan began to swim away like a doughnut running away from a hungry hungry hippo. Some historians say Tutankhamen was killed by a hippopotamus. Hippos are herbivores but scientists have reported them eating each other. Crocodiles can't stick their tongues out.

Mary and Susan both swam so fast that they were like two moderately fast swimmers training for the Olympics. All of the other plebs who were sat by the pool started to yell at them but then a shark fell in the pool and ate them all like it was eating the most delicious, watery cereal ever produced by mankind. Except Mary and Susan, because they had both been prepared for this and were wearing their shark proof suits which they had. 

Mary and Susan continued to swim laps around the pool pushing all the dead bodies out of the way but they eventually got kind of bored and stepped out. Susan almost drowned while exiting the pool because she was really good at swimming but Mary made a wave and tried to surf over her to escape from the shark. They ran into a nightclub and the bouncers told them they'd be put to death if their dancing wasn't cool enough. "Uh, I'm Mary Sue and I rule Suetown, don't you know!" But the bouncers didn't care. All they cared about was bouncing.

The nightclub was full of teens and 40 year old women dancing to techno music. Mary Sue began to dance with the grace of a hundred spinning flamingos. Susan Mare danced like a fish that had been washed up on the beach and was dying of a heart attack, and then danced her way right out of the room!

Mary did not like this one bit, and spun after her. Everyone else in the nightclub cheered and kept dancing to  "crawling in my crawl" by some edgy band, until they eventually danced themselves to death and were sent home in cardboard boxes to their families with the message "Your children are dead, modern music has ruined society." written on the boxes with a packet of shrimps attached as an apology gift.

Mary Sue continued to chase Susan until eventually Susan went round the corner and down the road less travelled. Mary saw that she was at the crossroads and did not know which way Susan had gone. Meanwhile, Susan kept going down the path until she found herself running through the forest with some rabid dogs, and then started to get really cold and realised she was running through the desert because there were giant statues of cats from the Alien Egyptian times where aliens and cats lived together in pyramids, then she saw a polar bear and a Christmas tree and it was snowing and raining and it warmed up a bit because she was in the frozen tundra, where all the snakes are. Susan was a very fast runner and was covering ground very fast. She had already made it halfway round the Earth in the span of 3 minutes. "Sonic would be so jealous" said Susan. She was going to stop at the tundra and say hi to Santa and steal one of his elves to do her bidding but then she saw some Eskimos and knew they would try to kill her and chew on her hair so she kept running on the slippery ice like a baby giraffe on roller skates. Suddenly Susan looked behind her and Mary was there and she was actually wearing ice skates so she was going faster than TIME ITSELF.

Susan knew she would need to distract her so she screamed at the Eskimos "WILL YOU BE MY GIRLFRIEND?" and a lady Eskimo said "sure. Let's get married, my name is Caliba." and Mary said "uh oh" and Susan said "look! A land fish!" and pointed at Mary "You can catch it and eat it because you are an Eskimo, so a land fish is like Christmas only more fishy!". Looks like Susan did a perfect job because would you know it, the Eskimo cast her fishing rod at Mary, and the hook caught onto Mary's edgy dress. Mercifully, Mary's dress was made of titanium fabric so it did not rip.

"Okay! Time to reel it in!" the Eskimo said and she began to reel in the fishing rod and the Eskimo was so strong from carrying fish around all day that she was easily able to drag Mary over to her. "Thanks Susan!" said Caliba. Susan felt a little bad for leaving her good friend Mary to be eaten by her Eskimo wife but figured it was probably for the best because Mary was trying to kill her now.

Susan kept running till she found herself surrounded by buildings and people again. Susan jumped into a hole and the hole was red and full of water. There was a shark floating  in the water with a spear through its stomach. Its teeth had very sharp edges, sharp enough to cut ribbons into smaller ribbons. Susan looked into the pitch black sky and shivered. It was 4:30.

Susan fell asleep in the water (which was only at ankle depth now because of the tidal wave Mary had caused earlier that day). She then found herself having a familiar dream. She was running through a dark forest and could not tell what time it was, as the sky was shut out completely by the shade of the many trees around her. She could see shadows shifting and merging into each other in these trees, but did not know who or... what these shadows belonged to. She began to hear a thudding behind her and started running, but the it kept getting louder, yet still so slow and steady- it was the sound of a wheel- metal grinding rhythmically against the earth, twisting and creaking. The sound was becoming ever louder, ringing in her ears, and accompanied by a faint croaking noise like the last plea for death of a tortured man. She felt a vice- like hand grip her shoulder, took a deep breath and screamed "MARRIAGE IS A PATRIARCHAL CONSTRUCTION!" and a frog on a unicycle came and ran over them all.

Susan then woke up and yawned and stretched and fixed her hair. It was Sunday now, a day of rest. "What a good night of lucid dreaming!" said Susan happily. “Susan turned and saw Mary right next to her. "FUCK" Susan said quietly. Mary was covered in blood but looked unharmed. "Your Eskimo wife is dead" said Mary. Susan screamed in anger like an angry ostrich being poked with a stick. "You look hungry from all that exercise. Why don't you crash at my place for a bit?" Mary offered generously. "Sure thing! I would love to crash into your house!"

So Mary went to Mary's castle, which was made of titanium cubes superglued together in the shape of a big big big big castle. Susan got on a plane and drugged the pilot so the plane lost control and crashed into Mary's castle. Because Mary's castle was made of titanium, when it got hit the plane just folded in half and exploded and the Explosion Police had to be sent for so they could put water on the plane and give everyone inflatable armbands so they wouldn't drown in the fire but luckily no one was injured so everything turned out okay in the end. They both went in through the door and sat down at Mary's huge dining table. There was a big pink chandelier hanging from the ceiling that shimmered and twinkled like it was made from the bones of unicorns. It had a tiny engraving on it: made in China. Susan stared at it in fear and wonder.  
“Do you like my chandelier?” asked Mary. “It is plastic covered in glitter”.

There were 12 seats, five of which had rubber chickens sat on them. Because of Edgy day the rubber chickens were all still wearing MCR t shirts from the night before. The pink chandelier was covered in candles and dripped wax everywhere like a snowman burning to death in March after Christmas while his arch nemesis, the Easter Bunny, watches and rubs his hands together in glee. Mary's manservant Sebastian was stood next to the table looking forlorn and very tired. 

Mary pointed at the rubber chickens and said "these are my friends; Ellie, Jelly, Smelly, Kelly and Bob. Bob wears a crown." said Mary. Bob had a plastic tiara taped onto his chin. Mary then ran over to the rubber chickens and pulled them all into a big warm hug, and then threw them into a big warm fire. Ellie, Jelly, Smelly, Kelly and Bob all went very black which is an Edgy colour but it was okay because today was Sunday so there were no laws except for the Five Ten Commandments , something which Susan liked very much.

The Five Ten Commandments were as follows:

⁃ Thou shalt not disobey the Law of each day  
⁃ Thou shalt not worship other queens  
⁃ Thou shalt not disrespect thy queen  
⁃ Thou shalt not piss in thy neighbour's domicile  
⁃ Thou shalt not assault the economy  
⁃ Thou shalt not marry an Eskimo  
⁃ Thou shalt not use an ATM  
⁃ Thou shalt not become a ghost after death (Mary's manservant Sebastian was excused from this rule because he was Mary's best friend)

Mary and Susan sat down at the table and Susan was surprised because the chairs did not break and neither did the table. "You must be very rich." said Susan. "Will you leave me money in your will?" Mary nodded grandly, not listening.  
"Should I bring you some drinks, Miss Sue?" asked Sebastian tentatively. "Shut up and leave us alone, you miserable little midget." Mary answered. This was a perfectly reasonable thing to say, because Sebastian was exactly 10 cm shorter than Mary and was often very miserable for some unknown reason. Mary then turned to Susan and said "this is my stupid manservant Sebastian. I have to kill him sometimes, but that is okay because the stupid oaf always respawns in the attic 20 minutes after dying. Sometimes I lock him in there and set it on fire as a joke."  
“So he doesn't feel any pain?” asked Susan in surprise.  
“Oh no, his nervous system works just like any other.” said Mary. “Sebastian feels plenty of pain. I make sure of it”  
Sebastian reappeared at the door. "Actually, my name is Clyde." he mumbled. "No it's not." Mary corrected him wisely. "All butlers are called Sebastian." Sebastian/Clyde sighed. "Yes, Miss Sue." "No, that's MY name, stupid!" Mary screeched, throwing a brick at him like a construction worker who disregards the law and does not care about Jesus or believe in God. Sebastian let out a groan of despair and exasperation, and fell to the ground as a pool of blood spilled from his head, staining the nice tiled floor in Mary's dining room. He then vanished along with all the blood like when you put down your copy of Motivation and Your Will to Live on the table and forget where it was and have to spend the entire day looking for it.

Mary then phased through a door made of solid gold (she can do this) and came back with a plate of Kentucky chicken and an orange peel. She put the orange peel on the table and watched Susan eat it. Susan also ate the tablecloth because why not. "Thanks! Now I have Vitamin C from the orange peel and Vitamin F from the tasty fffffabric of your tablecloth!" she said. Susan hadn't eaten in two days and was so deprived of Vitamin C that she almost got scurvy but luckily the doctor used brain magic to put lemon juice in her eyes and she got better and learned how to ride a skateboard. Susan's doctor was really cool and had a PhD in being smart. Mary had a PhD in everything you can imagine- looking cool, peeling fruit, making everyone happy, saving the world, you name it! She is a universal expert. To be honest, Mary Sue would probably make a better doctor, but she had other matters to attend to.

"So Mary" said Susan, now beginning to gnaw through a table leg "Please tell me about how you murdered my fiance." Mary grinned and kept eating her Kentucky chicken. "I have been waiting for you to ask! It was a bit like the time I broke your oven. A flaming hatchet fell out of the sky and onto the ice and the fire melted the ice and turned it into an ice smoothie, and I found a massive icicle in the smoothie and was gonna take it home and sell it for cash but your retarded Eskimo girlfriend came running over and tried to pull me out of the water and chew on my hair so I stabbed her with it and climbed on her back to get out of the water and she started to bleed everywhere and it was really gross so I pushed her into the water. She is part of the ocean now." said Mary. "Wow. That is really cool." said Susan. "She died for a good cause" said Mary solemnly. "Now please stop biting the table leg." The table leg was becoming shorter and the table was beginning to overbalance and Mary's plate full of Kentucky chicken was sliding down the table to Susan. "Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat. What does your heart desire?"

"One golden crispy egg carton please." asked Susan. "Sorry I'm all out of egg cartons" said Mary "I've been using them for arts and crafts projects. How about some debris from my carpet?"  
"No thanks. I'm on a carpet- free diet." said Susan. "Then I will bake you a pie" said Mary. "Do you have any allergies?"

"I am allergic to most wallpapers" said Susan. "Okay, I'll make sure not to bake any wallpaper into your pie." Mary said. Mary flew out of the dining room like a graceful albatross running on the ground with invisible legs. Susan picked at her hangnail and thought about life and the universe. "The universe is a vast place" thought Susan. Susan was very intellellergerrnt. Susan thought about how the universe was like a big big house that kept changing and folding in half with circular rooms and spinning things and stars. Susan told this to a scientist named Bill once and he was so impressed by her powerful analogy and understanding of the universe that he developed an inferiority complex and jumped off a cliff and killed himself. Susan thought about life and death and how that scientist was now living on eternally, spinning through the galaxy on a big exploding pile of stars. Her Eskimo wife Caliba would be with him now, and she would probably think he was a fish and swim through space and try to eat him and chew on his glasses. Susan wished there was a way to go to space without dying so she could meet them and tell the scientist more analogies to nurture his self loathing.

"Susan, I baked you a pie!" yelled Mary. She flung the door open like an angry policeman breaking down the door to his ex wife's hotel room and smoke filled the room. "I baked you a pie and now you will die!" Mary said awesomely? Susan knew Mary wasn't messing around but when she tried to leave the door was locked! And there was a rubber chicken stuck in the keyhole. Susan put grease on the rubber chicken and started to pull it out but it was boring so she stopped halfway through. Mary ran over to Susan and phased through the wall like a ghost, leaving Susan alone in a room full of fried chicken and fire.

Fire began to spread around the house like orange paint being thrown at the walls in an anarchic nursery taken over by artistically expressive toddlers and then Mary Sue's rubber chicken fire mixed with the fire and the waxy pink chandelier started spazzing out and fell to the ground like in one of those crappy horror movies people watch in those old romantic comedy films you get at Walmart that my grandma likes. Susan then remembered she could phase through walls too. Susan phased through the wall and ran after Mary. The castle was so big and had so many doors. Susan climbed a staircase which led to a shiny golden door. Susan tried to open the door but then realised it was just a wall painted to look like a door. So Susan phased through the wall with the painting on it like Mario going to a new level to beat Toad and marry Bowser and murder his brother Peach and found herself in a dark corridor. She could just make out Mary's laughing silhouette. "I'm gonna burn down this house with you in it! You're gonna be dead at last!" Mary said and it was so scary. Mary got out a bucket of gasoline just like you see in those thriller movies my mum won't let me watch and tipped it over the floor. A big hole opened up in the wall and the fire burst into the room like a train full of lava being controlled by drug dealers and the devil.

Susan ran as fast as the fastest man in the universe, Insane Bolt, because she was running away from a wall of fiery death. Susan then thought about the pie Mary had baked for her as she ran away from the fire and felt sad because it was probably burnt to a crisp now so she couldn't go back and eat it before escaping. Susan loved pie, and wondered if it would be better to burn to death than not get to eat the pie.

Susan then turned a corner and forgot about the pie because there was something shiny on the floor. Susan ran over to it because she thought it was some spare change she could use to buy the new iPhone but then she realised it was actually just a piece of tinfoil left over from an arts and crafts project. Susan figured that Mary had probably invited the local school for nerds to do their art class in Mary's hallway, but things had obviously gotten out of hand, like maybe Mary had tried to organise a race in the hallway at the same time and the racers had tripped over the class and spoiled somebody's pipe cleaner collage and now Mary had probably murdered them all and stuffed their bodies in a closet somewhere. But that's just a theory. A murder theory! Thanks for watching.

Susan phased through another wall into a small dark room with a neatly made bed and a beautiful ornate birdcage. The birdcage had a tiny blue bird in it, and the bird had two eyes, two wings and a beak. Susan was surprised that none of these appendages had fallen off. The bird looked at her imploringly. It's eyes were huge and sad, like when you order a muffin, but all the chocolate chips are actually raisins. You feel tricked, and from then on it becomes a little harder to trust people. Susan looked at the bird intently, and felt sad too.

Susan examined the cage to figure out how to open it. There was a key in the lock, but that was the easy way out. Susan wanted a challenge, so she threw the key out of Mary's bedroom window. Then Susan decided to search Mary's bedroom for clues, but it was difficult because the room was dark. She opened a drawer, expecting to find something nice like sweets or an old handkerchief, but was horrified to find that it was empty. There was a message written inside at the bottom of the drawer.

[next year as the third month dies,  
I'll look my rival in the eyes,  
Burn down her house and crush it flat, Or strike her with a fiery axe.

And if she lives through the ordeal,  
I'll invite her round for orange peel,  
She'll lose her beauty and acclaim,  
My castle shall go up in flames.

If she somehow survives unscathed,  
I'll take the bird inside my cage,  
And my faithful manservant Clyde,  
I'll win when both are sacrificed.]

Susan skipped over the message because it probably wasn't important, and continued looking for a way to get the bird out of the cage. She opened the second drawer, and found it was full of mysterious letters. The letters all had the names and addresses scrawled out in black permanent marker, as though they were addressed to someone else and had been stolen. Susan glanced over them and saw words like "Susan" "rebellion" and "please write back". It is not polite to read other people's mail. In fact, it is illegal and a violation of privacy. Susan closed the drawer and did not examine the letters any more.

She looked in the third drawer and found a lock pick. Susan picked up the lock pick and put it in the lock on the birdcage. She tried to pick the lock with the lock pick, because the lock meant that the cage was locked, and birds can't pick open locks from the outside, so Mary's bird required the assistance of a universally adored expert. Susan yanked the lock pick upwards and the lock pick broke, so she gave up and smashed the cage open with her fists and was feeling very upset so she ate the bird in order to calm her fury. Susan had had butterflies in her tummy before, but having a bird flying around in her tummy was a new experience altogether. It felt like she had eaten something that she really shouldn't have, but even so Susan knew in her heart that she had done a good job. She really does deserve a round of applause, but unfortunately the room was now empty of living organisms. Except for Susan, of course, who gave a hearty round of applause to herself.

Susan heard footsteps and realised Mary must be nearby, and her clapping may have given her location away. Susan stayed very still and tried to use her brain to figure out where Mary was going. Susan heard Mary stop and say "Ow!" and Susan grinned evilly, because she realised that Mary had probably stubbed her toe. Then Mary's footsteps became quieter as she moved away from Susan's hiding place.

"YES! She'll never find me in here!" Susan shouted, doing a victory dance on Mary's very creaky floorboards. Mary's footsteps suddenly became louder and very fast and the door to Mary's bedroom flung open. "I found you!" screamed Mary. Susan screamed too because she was having a bad day. Her fiance had been murdered, she had missed out on eating pie, she had been running away from a fire in a huge castle and now she was trapped in a badly lit room with her arch nemesis, with a bird inside her tummy.

Mary looked at her empty birdcage and then at Susan "WHERE IS MY BIRD? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BIRD?" Mary shouted. "Your pet bird lives in my stomach now, " said Susan. Mary ran over to the window which Susan had thrown the key to the cage out of. The window was only the size of a small dog, so a normal sized person could not fit through it. Mary turned to Susan with panic in her eyes. "What time is it?" Mary whispered. Susan said nothing.

"It's one o'clock in the afternoon" chirped a voice.

"Who's there?" said Susan. "Show yourself!" There was a moment of silence before the voice piped up again.

"I can't unless you throw up, cheep cheep. I am the bird you swallowed five minutes earlier. I can talk, and I always know what time it is." said the voice. Susan and Mary exchanged glances. How do you always know what time it is?" Susan asked. "Because I am always counting the seconds as they pass, and I never lose count." said the bird. "Lies" said Mary "that's completely impossible! I bet I can make you lose count! THREE! ONE! SEVEN! TWELVE! A HUNDRED!..."  
"Shit! I lost count, after all these years" cheeped the bird. Mary laughed triumphantly. "You are a great foe." the bird said in defeat.

"Wait a minute, why can you talk?" asked Susan.  
"I just can." said the bird.  
"Or maybe someone is playing a trick on us, and that bird has been dissolved in your stomach acids." said Mary. "Don't be dumb. Birds take three months to digest." Susan corrected her. "But still, it makes no sense. Also, what's your name? Is it Tinkerbell?"  
"No, that's gay." chirped the bird. "... is what I would say if I was a capitalist pig. My name is Twinklefeather."  
"That's a pretty badass name. But why can you talk if you're a bird?" asked Susan.  
"Shut the fuck up." Twinklefeather said. "You shouldn't worry about insignificant details like that. Just accept the fact that I can talk and let's try to wrap this up. I'm getting very anxious about this fire."

"Oh, that reminds me," said Mary. "As it's 1pm Sebastian must have respawned several times over by now. I checked the attic and it's on fire so we'll have to catch up with him later. In the meantime, we should probably call the Fire Police. Are either of you in possession of a telephone?"

"No, but I have a Nokia" said Susan. "It is indestructible and has a sudoku game you can play."  
"Cool. Let's play." said Mary. "Not right now, the house is on fire." Susan replied. "and I need you to call the Fire Police on this phone for me, because I only know how to use the sudoku game. I don't know how to call people on a Nokia."  
"Hand it over then" said Mary as the fire roared in the distance.  
"What's the magic word?" said Susan.  
"Abracadabra" said Twinklefeather.  
"Close" said Susan "but no cigar"  
Mary sighed and said "Susan, I know I have tried to murder you many times, but will you help me? I need to get us out of this burning castle."  
"You didn't say 'alakazam' once" said Susan, but she handed over the phone anyway. Mary dialled #234 for "fire" and they all heard a voice come from the Nokia.  
"Hello hello hello? Police #234 this is the candy police, how may I help you?"  
"Oops, we got the wrong number. I think it might have been #243." said Susan.  
"Hello?" said the candy police.  
"You're a cow and I slept with your husband" said Mary and she hung up the phone. She dialled #243 and a man's voice came out of the phone.  
"This is police #243, fire police, how may I help you?"  
"HELP! HELP! HELP!" screamed Mary, Susan and Twinklefeather. The policewoman tried to say something but was drowned out by the sound of them all screaming frantically. They continued screaming over the phone for three minutes until the policeman hung up on them because he was getting a headache. "Okay, let's try yelling a bit louder next time" said Twinklefeather. Mary immediately dialled again and a voice came out of the phone.  
"Uh, hello?  
"HELP!" screamed Susan.  
"Hello, this is your highness speaking. My house is on fire. Get over here and fix it right now." Mary commanded. "Also, I broke my oven and I don't know how to fix it."  
"You'll just have to call the cooking police then, because I'm not going to help you." said the policeman. "A few weeks ago you and your friend called us about a house fire and when we arrived you threw a bunch of rocks at us. Bye bye." and she hung up the phone.  
"What should we do now?" whispered Mary.  
"Let's call the cooking police, like he said. Maybe they can put flour and eggs on the fire to turn it into a pizza." suggested Susan.

So Mary began to type in the number for the cooking police, but then the crackling of the fire grew much louder as the door caught on fire. "Oh no! They'll never make it here in time!" cried Susan. She began to cry and looked like she was going to faint and vomit at the same time. Mary inspected some dust on the wall while Susan fainted and vomited at the same time. Then everything went white. Actually, it went more orange because that's the colour of fire, but you know what I mean.

To be continued...

**Author's Note:**

> Congrats! You are now halfway through the Mary-Sue trilogy. The final act isn't finished yet, since I'm making it up as I go along.


End file.
